1. |
27 days
01:09
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|
but then there are some people out there
and it doesn't happen a lot
it's rare
but they refuse to let you hate them
in fact they care about you in spite of it
and the really special ones
they're relentless at it
doesn't matter what you do to them
they take it and care about you anyway
they don't abandon you
no matter how many reasons you give them
no matter how much you're practically begging them to leave
and you want to know why?
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2. |
imbrium
02:54
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because they feel something for me that I can't
a lot of the things that I chose to write about
were very difficult to write about
but I know they can be detrimental to someone else's growth
I know that I need to change a lot of things in my life
you'll hear that on the record
you'll hear a lot of honesty
and a lot of things that were very hard to write
but at the end of day
if that can change shape motivate inspire
or help someone else
then that's exactly what had to be written
it bothers me that everyone has the capacity to do positive things
with their life
you are in control of what you do
with your creative thought processes
and I guess I was unaware
of just how negative I was becoming
I mean how do you do it?
how do you just move on like that?
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3. |
flowers on my skin
02:11
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|
I haven't
I see now that I've learned to stay really busy
to distract myself from myself
but when I do stop for a moment
and kind of let the facade drop
I'm not sure I like what I see
I really do wonder what my 8 year old self would think
I don't think I have as many answers
as I thought I would at this stage in life
or maybe I got some answers
and now I just have more questions
and sometimes what was working before
it stops working
and it feels like I'm starting from zero all over again
maybe that's what it means to grow up
to admit that you are clueless about somethings
about most things the whole time
nobody wants to say it but I will
I do still fear what other people will say about me
I want to be loved
and it's easy to say I don't care
or it doesn't affect me
but it does I do care
I think we all care
I think we're social creatures
and this is built into us
I don't think any of us want to be alone
but it can feel like that sometimes
I'm just trying to remind myself
that it's okay to not be okay all the time
we are complex and I'm not sure even a full lifetime
is enough time to figure everything out about ourselves
I think I'm learning how not even try to fix the situation or myself
because there's nothing to be fixed
and just accept that I'm doing my best
that I get to choose how I look at things
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4. |
blood tests
02:21
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|
the one thing people tend to realize
at moments like these
is that they wasted a lot of time
when life was normal
it's not just what they did with their time
it's not just that they spent too much time working
or compulsively checking email
it's that they cared about the wrong things
they regret what they cared about
their attention was bound up in petty concerns
year after year when life was normal
and this a paradox of course
because we all know this epiphany is coming
don't you know this is coming?
don't you know there's going to come a day
when you'll be sick or someone close to you will die
and you'll look back
on the kinds of things that captured your attention
and you'll think what was I doing
|
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5. |
44 roses
02:59
|
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|
if a person loves a flower
that is the only one of its kind
in all the millions and millions of stars
then gazing at the night sky is enough to make him happy
he says to himself
my flower is out there somewhere
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6. |
internal winter
02:02
|
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|
in the same let's suppose the sun sends out light into space
now the space surrounding the sun
will be black darkness
as if there were no light in it
unless a planet happens to float by
when a planet floats by there will be light
in the darkness
but if there isn't anything to relate to the sun
in that way
then comes no light
|
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7. |
candles
01:52
|
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|
I didn't realize until later what waxing and waning implied
that these feeling were fixed and constant
and would never end for the rest of my life
|
||||
8. |
melatonin
01:59
|
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|
and for all the pain I've been through
that heals me
maybe not instantly
maybe not even for a long time
but it heals
and yeah there are setbacks
we do fucked up things to each other
and we hate each other and it get messy
but that's just us
and any world you're in
and yeah you're right
we're all told we don't stand a chance
and yet we stand
we break
and keep going
and that is not a flaw
it's what makes us
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9. |
loner
02:37
|
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|
I know this isn't any easier for you
I know that
I think some deranged part of me
likes thinking I'm the only one with real problems
like that makes me special
you know ever since we were little
I would get this feeling
like I'm floating outside my body
looking down on myself
and I hate what I see
how I'm acting
the way I sound
and I don't know how to change it
and I'm so scared
that that feeling is never going to go away
|
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10. |
half of me
03:04
|
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|
don't stop ever
even when people roll their eyes
or call you crazy
even then
especially then
you just don't give up
because if I could give up
if I could just take the whole world's advice
and move on and find someone else
that wouldn't be love
that would be some other disposable thing
that is not worth fighting for
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11. |
remainder
01:31
|
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|
no matter how bright
there will always be this hollow
like unlit space between stars
he didn't do anything
it was me
I wasn't there for him
I didn't know how to talk to him
I couldn't deal with what he was going through
so I gave up and took off
that was part of the reason why I came back
I wanted to fix things
he was gone
and you were here instead
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everything persists Charlotte, North Carolina
guitar/producer/graphics
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